it’s been one week

As soon as I typed in the title of this post, the 90’s hit “One Week” by the Barenaked Ladies immediately started playing on repeat in my head.  Hours later, still there.  But I digress, neither this train of thought nor the song have anything at all to do with my post.  But come to think of it, this is completely how I’ve felt all week: scattered, all over the place…anyway…

It’s been one week since I started back at work after being off with Jacob since he was born on November 18.  I try not to sugar coat here, in my space, on my blog, because I am doing this writing thing for myself.  I want to look back years from now and know that my words are my truth, my feelings, my heart…not some sugarcoated version of them.  So although I’ll start with the positives {because honestly, there have been many this week} I’ve had an emotionally difficult, difficult week.

I am thankful beyond thankful for the support and love and understanding pouring out of all of my family, co-workers, friends, and parents of my students.  I have felt nothing but love and support since the moment I walked back in the door.  I will never be able to express my appreciation to all of them.  I was so nervous, so worried about returning to work and every single person has shown me the love that I needed this week.

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I am thankful for my twenty two little students.  I was greeted back by excited smiles, huge hugs, and heard, “we missed you Mrs. Ikari!” and “I love you!” about 500 times that first day.

I am thankful for my own sweet kids.  As I’ve cried on the way into work every morning this week Samantha sweetly says from the back seat, “It will be okay mama.”  Caitlyn has been my little ray of sunshine giving me the biggest hugs and asking me each evening, “Is there anything I can help you with?”  Andrew, although I’m sure he probably doesn’t understand it, each time he sees me break down in tears, runs over and wraps me in a fierce hug.  And Jacob, my sweet baby boy, greets me with the biggest, warmest smile every afternoon when I pick him up.

I am thankful for my husband and my mom who have had to reassure me over and over that I will be okay.  One of the things I appreciated the most was Eric telling me that it is okay to cry.  In a way I have felt my tears cleanse my soul this week and oh, there have been A LOT of tears.  I am thankful for my brother and sister who each sent me sweet messages.

I am thankful I have four healthy kids to come home to.  I am thankful for my new home and for my car that helps me make the 60 mile commute everyday.  I am thankful for our grassy backyard that my kids can run around in until dinner is ready each night.  I am thankful that the sun goes down later now so I get to enjoy my home in the sunshine!

BUT…

Mornings are the hardest.  It’s not really the waking up early part, since I am a morning person by nature and was out of bed helping the kids get ready for school between 5:15 and 5:45am every single week day of my maternity leave.  It’s not even the hour commute since I also did that every week day of maternity leave.  It’s setting my baby down and walking away knowing that I won’t see him for ten hours.  It’s kissing his sweet sleeping cheek knowing that I won’t be the first one he sees when he wakes up.  It’s walking out the door with an empty infant carrier.  It’s missing Jacob’s huge morning smiles and adorable stretches.  It’s knowing that someone else gets to cuddle him, feed, him, and love him all day.  It’s only getting to be with him about four hours a day while he is awake that completely breaks my heart.  This week has been hard because my mama heart aches for my baby.  That’s it.  I can’t control it.  I can’t stop the tears.  I know the raw emotions I am feeling this week will eventually fade to the background, but I will never stop missing my little guy while I am away.

On Monday I couldn’t start a conversation without breaking into tears {I’ve never had that happen before – it’s exhausting!}.  Right now I am just thankful that I can talk to other adults like a normal person without sobbing.  For this week, I suppose, that will have to be progress enough.

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