heartache

I like to think positively and live happily.  I’ve learned to turn to prayer instead of worry.  I have so much to be thankful for.  BUT for just ten minutes while I write this post, I am going to be completely authentic and pour out feelings that I am sure many other mothers will understand.  Feelings that exist no matter how positively I think.  No matter how happy I am.  No matter how much I pray.  No matter how thankful I am.  Underneath my happy exterior, behind my big smile, deep inside, my heart is breaking.  I had baby number four on November 18 of last year and have spent just about every second of every day of the past sixteen weeks with him.  Next Monday, I have to return to work.  And my heart just hurts.  It hurts so badly that I find myself in tears twenty times a day.  How is it possible to feel such pain even when nothing is wrong?  Jacob is here with me.  He is healthy.  He is happy and growing and learning and oh so adorable.  How can I be in so much pain when I really do have a wonderful job to return to with beautiful people who love and support me?  Why does my heart ache so badly when I know it’s just a short eight hours away from him each day?  I don’t have the answers and although I am enjoying and cherishing each moment of this last week with him, the ache is still there in my heart each and every moment.

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